Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Guide to prom dresses.

*Please note-this is my opinion entirely. If you want to wear these dresses, and they make you feel special and beautiful, then by all means go ahead. But this is just what I think about them.*
I’m just gonna go ahead and get right into this.
1) Anything that is categorized as “Inspired by Snooki”
Yeah, cause when I wanna pay hundreds of dollars for a dress, my first thought is to have it look like something one of the trashiest women on television would wear.
Excuse me, look at that hemline on the last dress. That thing barely passes as a tunic. While browsing the site I honestly thought that shadow on her leg was her undies.
What to look for
  • Lamé fabrics
  • sequins
  • anything that could be mistaken for a wide, shimmery belt
  • a hemline that hits right at the bottom of your arse
  • cleavage issues that double sided tape couldn’t fix
  • Do not eat
  • Do not sneeze
  • Do not breathe in too deep
  • Do not use the bathroom
  • Do not sit
  • Do not pick anything up
  • Do not cough
  • Do not talk too quickly
Failure to follow the guidelines listed above could result in 
  • ripping your dress
  • cutting off your circulation
  • arse cheek exposure
  • boob exposure
  • fainting
2)The I-went-on-an-acid-trip-and-all-I-got-was-this-lousy-print dress
If the dress you desire comes with a warning label for those easily prone to seizures, you should leave it on the rack.

What to look for
  • If it hurts your eyes
  • Any form of distorted animal print
  • You know when the cap falls off of a highlighter and you leave it in your pencil case? Yeah, if it looks like that.
  • Do not stare at these dresses too long
Failure to follow the guidelines listed above could result in
  • Blindness
  • Nausea
  • Seizures
  • Panic attacks
  • Migraines
  • Strokes
3) The bath-scrubbie dress
We know you took a shower before you got all dolled up for prom. You don’t need to wear your scrubbie sponge to prove it.
My goodness, that last one looks like it actually has bath scrubbies attached onto what would have been a nice, white dress. 

What to look for
  • Excessive fluff
  • Any fabric that could be categorized as exfoliating.
  • Not suited for those with delicate or sensitive skin
Failure to follow the guidelines listed above could result in
  • Chaffing
  • Scratches
  • Being mistaken for a piece of janitorial equipment
4) The this-barely-qualifies-as-lingerie-much-less-a-prom-dress dress
You know the ones. The dresses that practically require a lining of double sided tape and makes you too scared to dance for fear of nip slips.
The chain around her belly is just the cherry on top of that last one.
What to look for
  • Excessive use of sheer fabrics
  • Lots of teeny tiny straps
  • If your hand would cover your boob better than the top of the dress
  • Bring a jacket. You will get cold.
  • Beware of all the straps
  • Be careful with the double sidedtape
Failure to follow the guidelines listed above could result in
  • Being mistaken for a streetwalker
  • Freezing
  • Entanglement and injury
  • Nip slips and coin slots
And last but not least,
5)The WTF Dress.
Just…look at the pictures.
I’m not even gonna add anything. If you get a dress like that, you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.
This concludes my top 5.
Please remember, this is all my own personal opinion. If you get one of these dresses and it’s your favorite thing in the whole world, that’s really what matters.

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